


All The Words We Didn’t Say

by TeaHouseMoon



Series: All The Words We Didn’t Say [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Angst, Call me by your name fix it, Correspondence, Elio and Oliver write to each other, Happy Ending, Letters, M/M, Pining, Smitten Oliver, courting, they are in love, they miss each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-02-22 13:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 14,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13167975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaHouseMoon/pseuds/TeaHouseMoon
Summary: After Oliver leaves, Elio sends him a letter, and the boys start a correspondence.**Completed.**I don’t make money out of this story. The characters belong to Andre Aciman.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All letters will be posted separately, chapter by chapter. Follow their conversation here...

August 21st, 1983

 

 

Dear Oliver,

 

I hope you’re doing well and that your return to Columbia was smooth.

I’m writing because my father wanted to let you know that he’s going to send you the books you were looking for in Bergamo. He was able to find them in Milan.

All the best for your year ahead from all of us.

 

Sincerely,

Elio Pearlman

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_August 29th, 1983_

 

 

_Dear Elio,_

 

_Thank you for your letter. I was delighted to receive it. I wasn’t expecting it, and it was such a surprise!_

_I am doing well, thank you for asking. Classes for the fall semester haven’t started yet, so I still have some time for myself, although I have meetings to attend almost every day in preparation._

_Morningside in early fall is still dull and kind of lifeless compared to Italy in the summer. Are you back in Milan now, then?_

_Please send my heartfelt thanks to Samuel for the books! And give a hug to Annella for me._

_I hope you are all good. I want to ask you when’s school starting for you, and perhaps if you had a good end of summer, but I don’t want to be presumptuous in thinking that you’ll write me again?_

_If you do want to, write me that is, I am here._

_I am sending my love to all three of you, and thank you all once again for your wonderful hospitality over the summer._

 

  
_Oliver_


	3. Chapter 3

Sept 4th, 1983

 

Dear Oliver,

 

As you can see, I’m writing to you again.

Why would you think I wasn’t going to? You could have just asked the questions and I would have told you what you wanted to know.

School starts on September 12th. Lombardy isn’t one of the early regions to start, so it’s not that bad. Giacomo is in Veneto and they go back a week earlier than us. I like school but there’s no need to start so early.

Summer ended really quickly. Nothing much happened after you left. I don’t have a whole lot to say.

My mother won’t stop talking about you to anyone who’ll listen. She definitely wants you to come back.

I hope I answered all your questions and I haven’t left you wondering still.

Good luck for the new school year.

 

Best to you,

  
Elio


	4. Chapter 4

_September 10th, 1983_

 

_Dear Elio,_

 

_Wow. I missed being chided by you! You are right, I should have just asked._

_I hope you don’t mind me writing to you again. You must be back at school now? I’m not sure when this will reach you, but September 12th is in 2 days, so it will surely be after that. I hope it’s a gentle start for you, although you are so clever I am sure this year will be a breeze._

_Campus is still kind of dull, and I still miss Italy. I had a lot of fun. My mind goes back to our time in Bergamo very often. I wonder if you think about it, too._

_I would love for us to keep up this correspondence. What do you say?  
Please don’t feel obliged to! But it would be great to hear from you. I really enjoyed reading your last letter._

 

_Love,_

_  
Oliver_


	5. Chapter 5

Sept 25th, 1983

 

Dear Oliver,

 

Your letter was late to arrive this time. I’ve been in school for 13 days now. It was a slow start but it’s now begun to pick up, and we finally have some interesting stuff to read.

I wasn’t chiding you, I was just pointing something out. And why did you miss it? I can be quite aggravating sometimes.

Are you sure you want us to keep writing? ~~I just thought that we~~ <—— I don’t know what I thought. I enjoyed reading your letter too.

I have homework now unfortunately. Later I’m going to read a few chapters of Don Quixote. Papà has a very old copy, the pages are yellow and the text is so small that you have to use a big magnifying lens to read it, but it’s fun. I think you would find it fun too.

I think about Bergamo a lot. It was a good trip. I liked going with you.

 

Best,

  
Elio


	6. Chapter 6

_October 9th, 1983_

 

_My dear Elio,_

 

_I am sorry my letter was late. I tried to post it soon after I wrote it, but sometimes postal services aren’t as efficient as we would want. I apologize._

_Don Quixote sounds indeed fun. I wish I could read it with you. I especially like the part where he’s attacking the windmills. It’s tragically hilarious._

_But tell me more. I want to know more about you. I can only try to imagine you in Milan. I need more details that I can add to my fabrications. All I can see is you, your face, your hair, your eyes._   
_I would love to be able to run my fingers through your hair again._

_Of course I miss you chiding me. I miss everything. You aren’t aggravating, and you know that. I told you already this summer - you shouldn’t shoot yourself down. I like the way you say things._

_I don’t have a whole lot to tell you about myself right now, either, aside from something silly - I tried to find apricot juice here, but it seems like it’s an impossible feat. I miss that too._

_I hope this reaches you as quickly as you (and I) desire._

 

_Love,_

  
_Oliver_


	7. Chapter 7

Oct 14th, 1983

 

Dear Oliver,

 

Your letter arrived quickly this time, thank you.

I’m sorry about the apricot juice. I wish we could send you some. Maybe we can. But to be perfectly honest with you, it just doesn’t taste as good when it’s not summer, so we don’t drink it as much. I will stop drinking it to keep you company. Mal comune mezzo gaudio, it means when you share something bad, it’s not as bad. I guess.

My life in Milan is not that interesting, but I can tell you about it if you want. I go to school every day until noon, from Monday to Saturday. In the afternoon I play piano sometimes, and most days I have a lot of music to transcribe. I don’t really go out that often, but sometimes my friends and I go to the cinema or to a party if there’s one. The girls in my class organize quite a few parties, actually, but they aren’t always fun.

Summer seems so far away already, Oliver. I too miss everything. Writing you seems surreal. I was starting to wonder if you’d actually existed.

 

Elio


	8. Chapter 8

_October 21st, 1983_

 

_My dear Elio,_

 

_I just read your letter and I am going to write back straight away, as I am travelling to DC this weekend for a university event, and want to make sure I mail this before I go._

_Your life in Milan sounds interesting. I wish I was invited to more parties, instead of work events... are there many girls in your class? Do you like your class mates?_

_I wish I had the chance to speak to you face to face, like they do. When I think about the people you meet in school, at parties, I can’t help but feel that they don’t know how lucky they are._

_Are you upset with me, Elio? Have I done something to wrong you? If I have, please tell me, so I can try and mend my mistake._

_I think of our summer together and I too wonder if it was real, but I did really exist, Elio, and you did, too._

 

_Love,_

  
_Oliver_


	9. Chapter 9

Oct 28th, 1983

 

Dear Oliver,

 

I’m not upset. Why would I be upset? I don’t understand. I’m not.

I’m also going to write to you straight away, because I’m about to go to Crema with my parents, and from there to our house, for the break for Ognissanti. It’s only an excuse to take an extra day off, but everybody does it.

  
So I’m going to be away until November 3rd.

 

Goodbye until then, 

Elio

 


	10. Chapter 10

_November 3rd, 1983_

 

_My dear Elio,_

 

_I realized I wasn’t at all clear, I’m sorry. Let me explain._

_I feel that you are upset with me. From the way you are speaking to me, the words you’re using. I admit it may be my sense of guilt pushing me to worry, but I can feel there’s something._

_I am sorry I’m being so direct, but I’d rather we talked, than we were both left confused. I know you must want that too._

_Spending time at the house again sounds wonderful. You will have to tell me how Mafalda and Anchise are doing. I miss them - yes, Anchise too!_

_And I miss you. Terribly._

_I’m nervous you won’t write back. Please do write back. You can tell me anything._

 

_Much love,_

  
_Oliver_


	11. Chapter 11

Nov 12th, 1983

 

Oliver,

 

How can I tell you everything? I can’t.

I’m not upset with you, I just can’t tell you everything and I thought that you of all people would understand this.   
You say we should talk, but how can we talk when you’re not here?

I’m sorry this letter is short but I honestly don’t know what to say. I have things to say, I just don’t think I can or I should.

 

Elio 


	12. Chapter 12

_November 17th, 1983_

 

_My dearest Elio,_

 

_I hope this letter reaches you quickly. I’ve asked for the faster service, because I feel you are pulling away from me. If this makes me desperate, you can tell me. I feel like I know that already._

_I seem to have made you more upset, and that wasn’t my intention. I wish I could reach out, and take your hand, because I know you would listen to me then, if I was holding you in some way. I feel we always talked better with our bodies than with our words._

_I will try once more. And then I will try again, if you’ll let me: I want to know what’s going through your mind. I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to know what you’re thinking about me. About us._   
_If you’re worried about these letters not being safe, please don’t. They get delivered to my lodgings, and the service in Columbia is trustworthy. You have nothing to worry about. Although it makes me warm inside to think that you would worry about me so._

_Writing you makes me miss you more each time, and yet it is also a balm to my wound simultaneously. I thought coming back here would turn out to be much easier, but alas I was mistaken._

_I hope you’ll write back soon._

 

_Love,_

  
_Oliver_


	13. Chapter 13

Nov 21st, 1983

 

Oliver

 

Why would you think I wouldn’t write back?! Why would you think I wouldn’t worry about you?!

~~I just d~~ Yes, I was worried about the letters, because I don’t want you to get into trouble because of me! It’s difficult when you’re not here! ~~Lucky you for thinking it was going to be easy, I never thought so.~~

You left me on that platform Oliver but you took my heart with you. If this makes me cheesy I don’t care. Maybe you’ll be the one who stops writing now, ~~but I don’t care, it’s done.~~   
I still can’t sleep at night sometimes because you’re not with me, I got so used to you sleeping right next to me. Yes, it’s unbelievable, isn’t it? Nearly 3 full months on and I still can’t sleep without you.

I look forward to a new letter from you each time, so much, why are you thinking I wouldn’t write back? Why are you feeling guilty??

I’m scared I’ll just want to rip this letter apart in a few minutes so I’ll just seal it up now and mail it today, before that happens. I have so much homework to do anyway, and I have to go, because I get distracted so easily these days.

~~You~~ speak soon

 

Elio


	14. Chapter 14

_November 27th, 1983_

 

_My dearest Elio,_

 

_I am so glad you didn’t destroy that letter. Although I am sorry I made you upset. I know I say this every time, but I truly am sorry. I hate to think of you hurting. It’s not what I wanted to happen._

_And I guess this brings me to the feeling guilty part, to answer your question.  
Why would I not feel guilty? I feel like I took from you, and then I left. I was selfish, and now you’re hurting. And I am selfish and presumptuous for thinking you’re hurting because of me, anyway. You shouldn’t be hurting. It should be me, only me, remembering you, and your eyes, and our time together, and pining after all this like the fool I am, while you shine your light on everyone and everything you encounter, free and happy - not chained to me. I am sorry._

_This must sound like drivel, too. All you need to know, is that, ridiculously, I feel overwhelmed when I think that your hands will touch this letter. That the pads of your fingers will skim the indentations of my handwriting. Those fingers I’ve kissed, so many times._

_I wonder so often if I’ve actually managed to kiss you everywhere, everywhere, like I wanted. I remember everything we’ve done - but I feel like there should be more. I wish to hear you say that you, too, would want more._

_I’m sorry if this is too much. I still miss you terribly. Even more so than before._

_My next letter will be better, I promise. I will tell you whatever you want to know, all you have to do is ask._

 

_With love,_

_  
Oliver_


	15. Chapter 15

Dec 3rd, 1983

 

Oliver,

 

I don’t agree with what you said. Why should it be only you? I am hurting too and so it should be, did you think I would move on so quickly? Am I so shallow to you?

I know you’re going to say that I didn’t get what you meant. I did get it. You feel more guilty because you think you’ve done something to me.

Well you haven’t. Everything you’ve done was with my participation, and you know that. I wanted it, maybe more than you did. And so I should hurt, and I don’t mind. I wish I wasn’t, of course. But what can I do when you don’t even live in the same continent as me?

You had to go back and I understand that. So please stop blaming yourself.

You’ve kissed me everywhere, but I wish you would do it all over again. I wish I could be in your arms right now. I miss your kisses and I miss you making love to me. If you were here, I’d want to do it all night, and all day maybe, too, if you were up for it. My sick deluded mind wonders if this is enough to entice you to come back. I promise what I said is true, I promise we would stay in bed for a whole entire day. And then more. As long as you want. I promise. ~~I really promi~~

I’ll stop now before I make a complete fool of myself.

How are your classes going? How are your students? How many of them swoon for you everyday? Are you going out with anyone? Is it really cold in New York right now?

 

I miss you too.

 

Elio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO MUCH for all the comments and all the love you’re giving to this story! I adore reading all your thoughts. Please never stop!
> 
> I just wanted to let you know that there will be 3 more letters today in addition to this one, once they are posted you will understand why I wanted to add them all today. I hope this is ok. After that, it’ll probably slow down a little :). 
> 
> I hope you like them. Xx


	16. Chapter 16

_December 10th, 1983_

 

_My dearest Elio,_

 

_Your last letter. Your last letter! Where do I even start._

_You are the most beautiful, wonderful, infuriating human being I have ever had the privilege to know. I love that you speak your mind, I love you being so opinionated, but you really keep me on my toes, my goose._

_I miss your body so much that I can’t breathe sometimes, but that’s not what’s calling me back to you, or why I wish to see you again. You don’t have to promise me your body, silly. I know you know this, you must know this. And if not, I will have to find a way to show you all over again, that what I feel goes beyond the flesh, and beyond what your body can do to mine. Way beyond that._

_I will try not to listen to my guilt, at least as much as I can. And I am sorry for making you feel like you have no agency. You do. Your wit, your passion, and your vulnerability drove me crazy this past summer - of course you do have agency. And heaps of it (and it’s a good thing)._

_My last class for the year is tomorrow, then my students will sit their exams before the break._

_I’m not going out with anyone. If I were, what would they say when I told them that I anxiously wait for letters from a certain boy who stole my heart, and doesn’t want to give it back?_

_Please write back soon._

 

_With my love,_

_  
Oliver_


	17. Chapter 17

Dec 19th, 1983

 

  
Dear Oliver,

 

Sorry I’m late this time, but I’ve had so much to study. We have some exams here too. And the Christmas events have started already - my mother must have had 4 separate groups of people come visit already (some for Hanukkah too) and my school organized 2 events, one with a Presepe Vivente (a Nativity with real people impersonating all the characters) and one with someone dressed as Santa. You’d think we are too old for that, but at least it was for charity.

We received your card. Thank you.

People I know are also already thinking of what to do on New Year’s Eve. Here it’s called Veglione. Most of them are couples who will spend the whole time making out. Maybe I will just stay home.

Do you think we could maybe talk? On New Year’s Eve? Will it be too expensive? I only want to say hi so it wouldn’t be for a long time. If you’re free that is. I know it’s expensive so if you want I can ask my dad and we can call you from here. If it works. Because most people will be with their boyfriend or girlfriend and things like that and I know if they can’t they’ll call them. But I mean I’m not saying that we are like, them, but friends do it too, you know what I mean? My parents always call their friends on Dec 31st to send best wishes. We will be at the house for the holidays by the way, from December 23rd.

Anyway, I was just rambling. You can skip that paragraph if you want.

I hope you have nice plans with fun people for the holidays and that you can relax. When do you start again?   
We go back on January 9th after the Epifania.

I’m going now because I’ve already talked a lot. I think the mail will be delayed because of Christmas.

 

Happy Holidays Oliver.

 

Elio


	18. Chapter 18

_December 26th, 1983_

 

_My dearest Elio,_

 

_I read your last letter without stopping for breath. Why do I feel like that’s how you wrote it, too?_

_You were right, the mail was delayed. This letter I’m writing will probably take longer to get to you, too, even though I’m going to pay for faster delivery once again._

_It doesn’t matter. You’ll receive it when you receive it. But I am going to call you on New Year’s Eve. I’m going to call you when it’s midnight for you, if you are happy with it. I want to be there, even if just in spirit and just with my voice, when the new year starts for you. Mine will follow a few hours later, when you perhaps will be in bed already. Asleep, or maybe with someone - but of course I’d much prefer the first option, because I’m selfish._

_I wish I could see you. I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve seen your beautiful face._  
_You will have to send me a photo, one day, so I can have it with me always. Like people do, when they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they call them on New Year’s Eve, or keep their picture in their wallet or in their diary._

 

_Happy New Year, Elio._

 

_With so much love,_

  
_Oliver_


	19. Interludio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One comment wondered if we could know what they told each other when Oliver called Elio, on New Year’s Eve, as he promised. 
> 
> So this is not a letter; just Elio and Oliver, on the phone for a little while.
> 
> Happy New Year!

“Pronto?”

“Elio? Is that you?”

“Oliver?”

“Hey.. hey, Elio..”

“Oliver, I - you called...”

“I did, yeah...”

“I mean, yeah, of course you did, sorry this is, I’m just...”

“I know. I know. I feel the same. I can’t believe I’m hearing your voice. Elio...”

“I’m... I’m overwhelmed, Oliver. I miss you. I didn’t think you would, I mean... you didn’t have to. I asked you and...”

“I know. I wanted to. Hey, hey...breathe, Elio. Breathe with me. I’m right here.  
I wanted to hear your voice. And wish you a happy new year.”

“Yeah...”

“Did I get the time right? I’m the worst at time zones. You’d think I would know by now, but I swear I get all my timings wrong sometimes...”

“You’re nervous. Are you nervous, too, Oliver?”

“A little. Yeah, a little. I am.”

“You got the right time. It’s five minutes past midnight. Everybody’s outside watching the fireworks.”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry, Elio! I didn’t mean to interrupt! You go, I can call you back in a little while-“

“No! No, Oliver. Please. I don’t care about the fireworks. I want to be on the phone with you.”

“Ok. I’m right here. My Elio...”

“How are you? Are you okay? Are your holidays going okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s fine. I’ve been very busy, I’ve had work to grade, unfortunately. Some translations to work on, too. The first year as an apprentice is demanding...”

“Hm.”

“What about you?”

“Me? Oh. No, nothing special. Just, normal stuff, you know. But we still have like, more than a week off. We go back on the Monday after the Epifania, which is the 6th, so we go back on the 9th.”

“Ah, Yes. I think I’ve heard of that when I was in Italy.”

“Yeah, it’s when children get told this old lady called Befana is going to visit them and leave a stocking out for them with sweets if they’ve been good. And charcoal if they’ve been bad.”

“Sounds weird, but fun.”

“I mean, yeah. I know. It’s weird.”

“Traditions. It’s interesting to learn of new ones.”

“Yeah.”

“And what about now? What are you up to? Going to any of those parties you were telling me about?”

“Oh. No. Nah. I’m tired. I’ll be, I’ll be boring this year. I’ll just go to bed in about an hour.”

“I get you.”

“New Year’s Eve is mostly just, hype.”

“Hype. Yes.”

“Glad I’m - making you laugh, Oliver.”

“Shh. I’m so happy we’re talking. I’m so happy to hear your voice, Elio...”

“Me too. Me too...”

“I wish I could kiss you. Under the mistletoe.”

“Oliver...”

“Elio Pearlman. Am I making you blush?”

“No... stop.”

“I am. I’m making you blush, and just by talking about a kiss...wonder what would happen if I said anything more.”

“Oliver...”

“I’m just teasing you. My Elio. I miss you. Very much.”

“I miss you too.”

“I’ve sent you my letter. I don’t think you’d have received it yet, with the holidays and all. But it’s on its way.”

“Okay. Thank you. I can’t wait.”

“Going to reply soon?”

“Yes. Yes. The moment I receive it.”

“Ok. Good. Good.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll, I’ll let you go, now. I don’t want Annella to get worried. And start wondering where you’ve disappeared to..”

“The funny witch.”

“The funny witch. Yeah. I miss her, and Samuel, too.”

“I’ll let them know you called.”

“Okay. Okay. Pretend... pretend I’ve kissed you. Under the mistletoe, at midnight. And if it sounds silly, well... I hope it made you smile.”

“I did smile. But I will pretend we kissed. I promise.”

“Perfect. Happy New Year, my Elio. I hope it’s a very happy one for you.”

“Happy New Year, Oliver. Thank you for calling me. I miss you. I really, I really miss you.”

“I miss you too. I do. We will speak soon. Promise. Really soon.”

“Promise. Good night, Oliver.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for all your comments. I’m very grateful. The boys have now started 1984...and with it come their letters. 
> 
> Please let me know if you are enjoying this journey - new developments are on their way... 
> 
> I am also on Twitter (@hingit83) if you want to talk there. Xx

Jan 3rd, 1984

  
Dear Oliver,

 

How are you? How did the first few days of 1984 treat you? Can you believe a year ago we didn’t know each other? I can’t!

I only just received your letter. Thank you so much for calling me on New Year’s Eve! I loved hearing your voice. I missed it. Did I keep you on the phone for too long? I hope you didn’t miss out on any plans because of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and about what you were doing, after our call.

I promised you I was going to bed at 1am, (ALONE!), and I did. I never break a promise so please don’t be worried. I wasn’t interested in doing anything else anyway.

Yesterday Chiara came to say hi. Do you know she also has a long distance boyfriend? His name is Javier and he lives in Girona, Spain. Which is quite far from Paris, but she seems happy. I think he will go visit her for Easter.

Anyway, I was about to forget what you asked. We took some photos to be developed. When we have them back I will send you one of me. I’m not sure why you want it though, I don’t look like I did in the summer, I’m too pale, and I think I lost weight. Because I don’t spend as much time outside, and when you don’t exercize you look skinnier. I don’t know.

Can I have a picture of you, too?  
I wish we had one together.

Please write soon (back to our address in Milan, by the way).

 

Yours,

 

Elio


	21. Chapter 21

_January 9th, 1984_

 

_My dearest Elio,_

 

_I’m good, thank you. The first few days of 1984 were okay, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and about the fact that I finally heard your voice again._

_I didn’t really do anything particularly special for New Year’s Eve, to be honest. Just a dinner with some acquaintances from Columbia. A pretty tame affair._

_The holidays have really flown by! You’re back in school today, aren’t you? Classes here started last week already - we don’t have the Befana, as you know. Pity, because it sounds like fun! Did she bring you anything? Sweets and charcoal like you were telling me over the phone?_

_I am excited to receive your picture. And I know you look just as stunning as you did in the summer. Just with a few more clothes on - which is a shame, as far as I’m concerned. But also good, because I’m not there to see you. So there’s no point in you being half-naked._

_Oh well, that was me trying to make a joke, and failing miserably! Ignore me..._

_I’m sending you a picture of me with this letter._

_I miss you. All I wish, if I can’t have more, is to spend one night with you. Just one. One night, in bed with you, wrapped in a really thick comforter, and the rest of the world locked out outside. We could cuddle, and kiss, and kiss some more, and just forget everything else.  
And oh! The comforter would be so warm that we would have to take off all of our clothes - but that’s okay too..._

_I’ll end this letter here so I can go and mail it, so it can reach you quickly, and I can receive your photo too. I told you I’m greedy!_

_  
Please don’t make me wait too long._

 

_Yours, of course_

 

_Oliver_


	22. Chapter 22

Jan 15th, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

I loved your letter, and I love the picture you sent!! Thank you. You look great, as always. I really missed seeing you. Like I said I don’t look as good at all, but hopefully the photo I’m sending will be ok for you. Will you really keep it in your wallet?

I love your idea!! I wish we could organize a trip! Can you imagine it? I’ll start. We should go to Amsterdam. No, maybe Copenhagen. Or Paris! We should go to Paris! And we spend a night there, right at the feet of the Tour Eiffel. So we can see it from the window while we snuggle in bed in our hotel room for a whole day. We would make time go really slowly. And I wouldn’t get drunk and puke I promise. Oh my god, I can’t believe I just said that! I’m embarrassing!!

A few letters ago you asked about my class mates and I just realized I never answered. It’s 26 of us in my class, and there’s 12 girls. But why were you asking about the girls? I sit next to a guy called Giorgio. He’s okay, but doesn’t like to read, and is obsessed with wrestling. Really not my thing.  
I don’t know why I’m telling you these things, sorry!

How is Columbia? How is New York? Are you really busy?

Well, I should go, but I hope the photo of me is okay and that you have a good day.

Ps. I got a stocking from the Befana like I told you. Yes I did get charcoal as well as candy. I saved some for you...

 

Love from Elio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of info in case you were wondering: the school system in Italy is not like the American one for example where you change class and classmates for every subject. In Italy your classmates stay the same, but teachers switch between classes according to which group of students they are scheduled to teach. 
> 
> Also, I’m not old enough to know for sure but I believe in the early 80s all boys and all girls schools were common in Italy, but Elio’s parents would have certainly opted for a mixed school for their son, modern and hipster as they are, haha (and I agree with them :))
> 
> And finally, the charcoal brought by the Befana (which is not real charcoal, it's made of sugar) is meant to signify that you've been naughty during the year- but the idea is that everybody gets some charcoal along with their candy, because nobody's always good. ;)


	23. Chapter 23

_January 25th, 1984_

 

_My dear Elio,_

 

_Sorry this letter is a little late this time. But I hope what I’m about to write to you will make up for my tardiness._

_You look absolutely stunning in that photo, just as I knew you would. And I’m not lying. I am so excited I finally have a photo of you that I can look at when I miss you. I love everything about that photo. Thank you so much for sending it._

_I hope everything is okay with you. I wish I could hold your hand, and kiss your mouth. I can’t believe I didn’t jump for joy, every day during last summer, when your mouth was mine to kiss, whenever I wanted. I can’t believe I didn’t take a picture of you then. Or a hundred pictures. Of you, clothed, naked, smiling, grumpy; in the rain or in the sun, wet or dry; asleep, or awake..._

_I wish we could go on that trip, I wish I could take you to Paris. It would be wonderful.  
But right now I can’t go anywhere, I’m sorry, my little goose._

_Thank you for saving some candy for me. I can’t wait to try the charcoal, since you gave me your word that it’s edible..._

_I have to go now, too. But when you read this, bring your fingertips to your perfect lips, and touch them. That’s me; that’s me kissing you, Elio._

 

_Much Love,_

_  
Oliver_


	24. Chapter 24

Feb 1st, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

I’m going to ask for the fastest delivery service ever for this letter. I want your next letter already. I’m so impatient to hear from you every time.

I know you can’t go anywhere now, but maybe some day? When you have some free time? My parents would be happy to let me go, as long as I don’t miss too many days of school, but of course we would take that into account too, wouldn’t we.   
And if we don’t have the chance to organize a proper trip then you can maybe come to Italy? You can come to Milan, if you want. We can host you here too.

I felt you kissing me, Oliver. I wish I could kiss you for real.

A girl in my class is going to have a party for Valentine’s Day and I’ve been invited, but I’m not going. They will try to pair up people and play spin the bottle and other ridiculous games, and I don’t need that, I already have someone.

I hope everything is going okay for you. Please write really soon.

 

Love, your Elio 


	25. Chapter 25

Feb 13th, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

It’s been 12 days now since I posted my letter, and I haven’t received a response from you. I’m sending another letter just in case my previous one has gone lost. I hope it hasn’t?! It’s horrible to have to wait and I hope you haven’t had to.

But if you did receive my letter, did something happen? Is everything ok?

I think maybe I said something I shouldn’t have. ~~I didn’t mean we are toge~~ I didn’t mean we are a couple, I mean, ~~if you don’t think~~ I mean sometimes I get carried away and what I meant was that people are just obsessed with trying to find a partner for whoever is still, you know, single. I didn’t mean that we have to be a couple. I mean I understand if you don’t want to.

Anyway, now I have to go. I’m sorry if I said something wrong.

 

Elio


	26. Chapter 26

_February 18th, 1984_

  
_My dear Elio,_

 

_I am so, immensely sorry for not replying to you sooner._   
_I received both your letters. I am sorry for making you worry._

_Something did happen, but it has nothing to do with you, Elio. My father came to stay in the City for a while, and of course I had to meet with him, especially as February 13th was my birthday, so he insisted we meet up._

_My father is very old school. Very traditional. He wants a traditional life for me. He wonders why I haven’t gotten married yet and I seem to have no intention to. Especially as I turned 25 when he was here, he felt the need to remind me - so to speak. He’s not happy with me right now. And while not as vocal as him, I do know that my mother agrees._

_I fear this will hurt you, or confuse you, and I hate myself for not being able to explain better. But I’m afraid the situation with my father is difficult to understand for anyone who’s outside of it._

_When you receive this letter, please send me your telephone number in Milan, and I’ll be more than happy to call and try to explain if you want me to._

_I’m sorry again, my Elio. I hope this letter of mine isn’t confusing for you enough that you will not want to write to me again._

 

_With my love,_

 

_Oliver_


	27. Chapter 27

Feb 23rd, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

I read your letter and I didn’t know what to say for a long time, so I couldn’t respond immediately. Even now I don’t know what to say. I guess I have questions? You think this has nothing to do with me? Who has it got to do with, then, if not with me??

Oliver ~~I’ve never broken u~~ I’m hardly the best person to pick up on people’s intentions and also I think you’re being coy, but I’d rather not hear you spell it out. If this has to end here. Don’t worry about calling me. It sounds like your father has stressed you out enough and I don’t want to make it worse.

And since this is probably the last letter I’ll send: you say I took your heart and I don’t want to give it back. Well, I’m in love with you, Oliver. So now you know.

Goodbye.

 

Elio


	28. Chapter 28

_February 28th, 1984_

_My dear Elio,_

_You really do not know the power that you have over me. You have the ability to make me go crazy with a few written words. Last year, your lips and the warmth of your skin, and the curve of your naked thighs made me lose my mind; this year, you’re doing the same with just a few words on a letter._

_My little goose, I’m sorry my letter was confusing. I really did not mean for you to think that it’s over, between us....That wasn’t what I was trying to say.  
But I was stressed and upset, and I think I underestimated the subtext that my probably ill-advised words were going to send._

_So all I can do is try to make amends, although I don’t even know if you’ll read this. I wish I could be there, holding your face between my hands and forcing you to look at me. You’re rebellious and untamed and stubborn and wonderfully independent and spirited, and you’re precious because of that. But right now, I need you to listen to me._

_I am in love with you too._

_I fell for you that very moment I first saw you, when your father introduced us - even though I didn’t even know it myself. But you have no idea of the hurricane that trampled over me that day, in the form of a beautiful young man, willowy like the branches on a tree yet strong like the ground the roots hold on to, gifted with so many riches, both inside and on the outside; you really have no idea._

_I don’t know what I’m doing right now. You offer yourself to me, as if you’re mine, and I feel as if I’m allowed to keep you to myself, but I wonder if you know what that means._   
_There is nothing I would want more than to be with you, and for you to be with me. There is nothing that I would want less than to let you go.  
This is where I stand._

_My father will not accept anything less for me than a marriage with a respectable woman, preferably one whom he had a say in choosing. I do not intend to oblige to that; however, this will always be a battle. And this is where I need you to be patient with me, Elio._

_Please don’t see this as a reprimand, because it was my fault that I wasn’t able to explain myself in my previous letter; but do see it as me begging you to give us another chance._

_I hope you’ll read this letter. And just know that I wish I was there, because I think what you need right now is me, holding you down on the bed, kissing that fierceness from your mouth and your body, and letting you know that I worship you, and that I hope, selfish as I am, that you’ll never, ever realize you deserve so much better than me._

_With love, and hope,_

_Oliver_


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’ve been posting at random times of the day... but what can I say. I love them too and I want them to write to each other ;) 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have been following this story and letting me know that you like it. You have no idea how much it means to me - without you I would have stopped posting long ago! So THANK YOU. 
> 
> We still have a while to go... hope that’s okay! :D

Mar 6th, 1984

 

Oliver,

 

You say I have the power to drive you crazy. You don’t realize what you do to me. You don’t realize the power you have to destroy my whole stupid world, and then just put it back together.

Of course I read your letter.

Stop saying that you wish you were here and COME HERE. Stop making me want you, stop setting my whole body on fire for you if you can’t be here to touch me and make it better and give me what I need. I need your hands on me, I need your mouth everywhere, I need you inside me.  
I need you to think of me and only me, because I think of you and only you.

You are exactly what I deserve.

And now you listen to me: how dare you not tell me about your birthday?? Look at me, having to send you your present a month late! That makes me a crappy boyfriend and I blame you for it, and I hate you for it also.

I’m giving us a second chance. Please don’t disappear, I don’t have the strength to cry all my tears again.

I hope you like your present.

I love you.

 

Elio


	30. Chapter 30

_March 13th, 1984_

 

_  
My dearest Elio,_

 

_I have no words to describe how happy your letter made me._

_Are you sure, are you completely sure you want this? At the risk of you rolling your eyes at me - which I know you are doing right now - I need to ask again. You need me there and I can’t be, not right now anyway. But since you made me a promise, I will make you one too: the moment I can get on a plane and fly to you, I will._

_Thank you for your present! I can’t believe I now have the tapes of the music you were transcribing last summer... I’ve had those melodies in my head since I left, but didn’t know where to find them. I almost felt like I couldn’t find them, at all, because they were just yours...as if they existed only with you, in the summer, in Italy. So, you can say this is another wish come true. And this doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend, it makes you a really good one, in fact. Thank you!_

_And since we are on the subject, I think you should tell me when your birthday is, too? I’m sorry for not telling you in advance when mine was. I just usually don’t make a big deal out of it._

_I really, really wish I could be there right now. You’re not the only one with needs.  
I need to look into your eyes. I need to see your face, for real. I need to touch your lips, and hope that you’ll touch my fingers with your tongue, perhaps even suck them into your mouth, like you used to do, driving me to insanity, wondering whether you’ll want another part of me inside you that way._

_I need to be in you, like I need air to breathe. I wish to lay on you, or have your lithe body on me, knowing that we are connected, and have become one whole being, Oliver and Elio, Elio and Oliver.  
Sleeping in a warm bed, laying in the Italian sun, relaxing by the river, with the calming sound of water trickling downstream - there is nothing that feels as good as being inside you. Nothing._

_And when I reminisce, when I am alone and remembering, and when I have to assuage the burning in my body with my own, lonely hands, you can be sure it’s you that I think about. You, and only you._

 

_With my love,_

 

_Oliver_


	31. Chapter 31

Mar 18th, 1984

 

  
My Oliver,

 

How do you think I can do anything at all when you write what you write to me? How can you think I am now capable of thinking of anything else?!

How can you even ask me if I am sure this is what I want? Yes, I am sure. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I miss you so much it hurts. I swear I will go crazy soon, and just jump on a plane to you, and when I get to the airport you will have to take me into a room and fuck me there and then, because I will be so eager for you that my tummy will hurt as if someone punched me and took all the oxygen away from my body. You can send me back after that, I don’t care, I don’t care, as long as I have your scent on me, as long as our bodies were able to catch that tiny respite with each other.

I feel like I should just scratch out everything I’ve said so far... you will think I’m unhinged. But I’m just crazy about you, Oliver.

My birthday is June 29th. I had just turned seventeen when we met, last year.

 

I love you,

  
Elio


	32. Chapter 32

_March 24th, 1984_

 

_  
My dear, dear Elio,_

 

_June 29th? Really? Look at you. Just turned seventeen, and already so well spoken, so mature and educated. I don’t think I was anything like you at that age._

_I wonder if sixteen years old Elio of a few days earlier would have looked at me in the same way, and if he would have let me near him, too. I wonder if eighteen years old Elio will.  
I feel way too lucky, undeservingly so, that you want to be with me. Don’t protest, my doll; just let me off the hook for this one. Pretend you didn’t read this if you must. I need this sliver of doubt, because it grounds me._

_I hope you’re doing well. Next Sunday, I will have to be in Boston for my sister’s wedding. I have something to tell you which relates to that, but I’d rather call and let you know over the phone. I’ve found your father’s telephone number on his business card - I should have really thought about it sooner - I hope it’s fine if I use that to call you. Will do so just before I go, by then you’ll have received this letter, hopefully._

 

_All my love and more,_

_  
Oliver_


	33. Chapter 33

Apr 2nd, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

By the time you receive this letter, you will have been to your sister’s wedding. How did it go? Was your sister happy with how it turned out? I hope so.

I hope your father was happy to see you with Catherine. I hope you had fun too. I know she is just a friend of yours but I hope she too had fun. I don’t know how weddings in America are conducted. I’ve only been to maybe a couple of weddings here, myself, but I know that Italian ones are always really long events, with meals that start at noon and don’t end until 1 or 2 in the morning. I could never eat that much.

I just wanted to say that I am really sorry I cried on the phone to you. So much for being mature - I cried like a child and you had to sweet talk me like I were a newborn who refuses to fall asleep. I’m sorry.

I know you had to do this and I’m ok with it.

Sixteen years old Elio would have fallen for you just like seventeen years old Elio did, and like eighteen years old Elio will, I can assure you.

 

Love,

  
Elio


	34. Chapter 34

_April 9th, 1984_

_  
My Elio,_

_  
I want to tell you how I feel, but I know that, for anything I say, you will find a reason or a way to avoid blaming me, and while I am grateful for that, for you, I know I deserve the blame. Once again, let me say this, my angel. Please don’t speak._

_I feel despicable for having made you cry. I know I’ve told you over the phone already, and you’ve been a way better person that I will ever be, but let me say this again. I hate myself for having done what I did. Please know, that I would have never gone through with anything like this, had I not had to. This sounds cowardly, and it is. But it was the only thing I could think of right now, to avoid my father’s wrath, or rather, delay it. In my cowardice, and in my exhaustion with him, I hope he will now let the subject rest for a while._

_Now, please remember what I’m about to say: his wrath, his unhappiness with me, has nothing to do with you, Elio. My father could only dream of ever meeting someone as precious as you.  
His wrath is towards my choices, my refusal to comply with the schedule he has for my life. But to do that would be like to be in a coma; like living a parallel life. Perhaps, were I braver, I would attempt to make him understand this. I’m sorry I’m not brave like that, Elio._

_I debated whether to tell you about the plan with Catherine for a while, and after our call, I agonized over whether I should have even told you in the first place - I fear it served nothing but to hurt you unnecessarily.  
But my heart was too heavy at the prospect of keeping this from you._

_Once again, I hope you will forgive me._

_Can we talk about something happier? When do you finish with school? It must be no more than 2 months left now. Will you go to Crema as soon as you finish?_

_Please smile for me, Elio._

 

_With all the love in the world,_

 

_Oliver_


	35. Chapter 35

Apr 16th, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

You asked me to be patient, and I want to be patient, for you. I’m lucky enough that my dad isn’t controlling, or doesn’t expect me to be someone I’m not, but I’m aware of this, I’m aware that I’m lucky.   
I’m glad you decided to tell me, so please don’t feel bad about it. I don’t want you to keep things from me, and I don’t want to keep things from you. The long distance is already bad enough without either of us having to wonder about the other and if there’s anything happening that we are not aware of.   
You promised me you would never do anything with Catherine and that she’s just a friend, and I believe you. So, that’s all I need.

I finish school in about 2 months, yes. We usually go to Crema around my birthday so my mother can rally all the relatives around - she tells me it’s rude to leave them at home and go out, but I usually do it anyway.

Before that, I’m going on a school trip to Florence with my class, for 3 days, on May 2nd. I hope it’s fun.

I miss you. In 2 months it’ll have been a year since we met. I wish I could see you soon. I want to smile for you, I do, but it’s hard to smile when I don’t know when I’ll see you again.   
But I will try anyway, because you asked me to.

 

My love to you,

 

Elio


	36. Chapter 36

_April 23rd, 1984_

 

_Dear Elio,_

_  
I hope you had a good Easter break. I had to work through it, as I had quite a lot of papers to grade, unfortunately. It was quite tedious...I don’t think I should bore you with more details._

_When time seems to freeze, when I’m reading the same trite prose for the 40th time, my mind wanders, and guess what. It goes to you. I imagine you smiling. I imagine how your lips will feel when I finally get to kiss them again. Every day I think of us making love - I think about it so often that I can see all the different positions we would try. I imagine your favorite, and mine. I hope this makes you chuckle. I am seriously desperate for you._

_You must be excited for your trip to Florence - it’s quite soon, now. I hope you can write me before you go, but in any case, I hope you’ll tell me about it when you’re back. I’ve never been to Florence. Perhaps I can visit it vicariously through you._

_All I can think about is how much I miss you right this moment, so I will leave you for now, and mail this letter in the hope of receiving yours really soon._

_I’m growing tired of sending my love through a piece of paper; you deserve to be told, in person, that you are loved. I want to see your eyes when I tell you, growing round and changing color, your lips turning red, your smile appearing like a half moon in the sky._

 

_Nonetheless, with all my love,_

 

_Oliver_


	37. Chapter 37

Apr 28th, 1984

 

My Oliver,

 

You are such a poet. My letters probably sound so pedestrian to you, compared to what you write to me. I can hear your voice so clearly and I always want your words on paper to never end.

My trip is indeed soon! I’m happy about it, it’s a break from the routine, it’s becoming really boring here. All I do really is study, and when I go out I just have to watch my friends either with their girlfriends or ogling girls. They’ve started to ask why I don’t (have a girlfriend or look at girls), if they insist I’m going to tell them I have a girl in New York. Although I know they will say she’s probably cheating on me, because of the long distance, etc. It doesn’t matter, if it stops them from meddling with my life. Last week they tried to set me up with this girl, Silvia. But I didn’t have to find an excuse not to kiss her, luckily, because it turned out she just wanted me to teach her some English for when she goes to visit her boyfriend in England...

I’m starting to think you write your thoughts to me just to get me all worked up. I think you enjoy thinking of me, reading you talk about us making love, having to squeeze my hands into fists not to immediately start touching myself, imagining it’s you.  
Well, since you started it...what’s your favorite position?

I’m tired of not hearing your voice and seeing you for real, too. I want to be told in person. You’re so good at courting me with your words, but I’m so ready for the time you’ll speak in front of me, and I’ll fall to your feet and give every word back in kisses.

 

Yours forever,

 

Elio


	38. Chapter 38

_May 3rd, 1984_

 

_My beautiful Elio,_

 

_By the time this letter reaches you, you will have returned from your trip already. I am sending this via special delivery as usual, but particularly this time, as I can’t wait to hear how it went._

_I hope you had fun. Did your friends try to set you up with anyone else? I understand it must be confusing to them. I wish you could just tell them, about me. About us. I wish we both could tell everyone, but especially the people who need to know, so that they don’t develop false hopes toward us when we already belong to someone else.  
I hope you do still want to belong to me._

_My favorite position?_  
_I feel like I want to tell you over the phone, so I can listen to your breathing on the other end as I speak. I bet I would be able to hear your heartbeat, even, as it quickens, while you remember and imagine.  
But I know we have to be careful, and the telephone isn’t the best vehicle for such confessions. (Nor is a letter. But how can I go any longer without telling you? And I can already hear you protesting, tired of my hesitation)._

_I have 2 favorites. One has you with your back to me, pressed to me from nape to thigh, both of us kneeling on the bed. I have my left hand in your hair, tilting your head towards me so I can kiss you, and my right hand is on your throat, if I have to tame you, or on your chest, pressing you even harder against myself. I’m kissing you, and your eyes are closed, your own hands reaching back and pushing against my loins to make me thrust even deeper inside you._

_In the second one, you’re laying back lazily, while I run my index finger from your mouth to your throat, to your nipple to your belly button, looking you in the eyes the whole time. Until I reach out, and take you in my mouth, and you let me bring you to ecstasy just with my lips, my tongue, and perhaps a slight whisper of teeth that makes you gasp and sweat. When my daydream is particularly good, you do the same to me as soon as you’ve recovered, and we kiss afterwards, with both our flavors on our tongues._

_Well, you asked. But it’s not just you who is affected by these thoughts, to be sure._

_I miss you. Please write soon._

 

_All my love,_

_  
Oliver_


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have seen, I am now posting only once a day, as per what a few of you have suggested. I hope this is okay! 
> 
> Also, I feel like I need to once again tell you that I am so grateful for your support and I am so happy you’re enjoying this story. 
> 
> And I’ll be honest - comments are what made this happen. Whoever commented made me feel like I wasn’t just spamming everyone with inanity! :) So, THANK YOU <3

May 7th, 1984

  
My dear Oliver,

 

Your letter arrived really quickly this time.   
How are you? I am well.

I guess I should just tell you about Florence. Remember that French story, with the knight and the princess, remember the question, is it better to speak or to die? I guess I would rather die, right now, of embarrassment if nothing else...but I’m going to speak instead. Because I want to tell you everything, always, I don’t want to hide anything from you.   
And now I’m just going to speak, because I’m just making you worry, probably (hopefully) unnecessarily.

Our trip to Florence was made up of a little sightseeing, and quite a lot of partying as you can imagine. A few of us aren’t 18 yet and therefore were not allowed to go out at night without a guardian, but we snuck out anyway - you can imagine how easy that was. My classmates didn’t try to set me up with anyone, thankfully. I think they were all too busy with trying to find a fling of their own. But we did get quite drunk, both nights. I don’t get drunk easily, believe it or not, but I guess we really had a lot to drink this time. It was fun.   
Anyway, I met this guy, Claudio, and I thought he was fun too, so did my friends, until he tried to get me alone, and started saying that I was very attractive (this wasn’t the word he used) and tried to hold my hand and come close, stuff like that. I was very drunk but I was having none of it, Oliver. I swear.

But I might have told him something... I told him I have a boyfriend, who is American, and 25 years old, and very tall, and who was going to be very angry with him. He left after that.

Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t tell him your name. It’s just a ridiculous story but I had to tell you, because like I said, I want to tell you everything.

I thought about you the whole time I was in Florence. I reread your last letter more times than I can count. You lit this fire inside me that burns stronger with every new letter, with every time I think of you, with every wish I make to see you again. I hope you still want to do all the things you described in your letter, to me, with me. I definitely do.   
I keep panicking that after this you will change your mind. I have never been in a relationship, before you. Please write back soon, and calm my fears.

 

Yours forever,

 

Elio


	40. Chapter 40

_May 12th, 1984_

 

_My Elio,_

 

_Your letter, the insecurity and fear that I could feel from it; your worry about my feelings... all of it, made me want to hold you in my arms, and hug you real tight, and whisper in your hair that you’re the most precious thing in the whole of the universe. What would I give, to have you in my arms, for you to embrace me so that our fears can be soothed._

_Of course I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at this Claudio, for sure. Are you alright? How dare he? How dare he try to touch you? How dare he, even breathe in your direction?? I’m mad that he tried to take advantage when you weren’t in a fit state to react, that’s a really cowardly thing to do. I’m mad that I wasn’t there for you._

_I’m glad he isn’t in Milan and won’t try such a thing again. But then I remember, how many other men, and women, are out there and will see you, will notice how beautiful you are, and how your lips are begging to be kissed, and your eyes, asking to be looked into with love. I know, because I was one of them.  
This thought eats me up inside, my Elio, my angel. I wish I could steal you away, before time does it for me._

_Sometimes I wonder if we could, maybe, spend some time in New York, this summer? Granted, it will be uncomfortably hot in the city, and I will have exams to grade and work to do for most of July. But you could stay at my apartment, it is big enough for two, even though we’d only need the space of one soul for all the time we would be apart if you were here. I can already see you, in just a shirt and your underwear (because of the heat; certainly not for my viewing pleasure, not at all) your short curls sweaty, but a smile on your gorgeous face. This is my dream, if you’ll allow me._

_I wish for you to say yes, but don’t be too quick: remember this would be the city. Miles and miles of asphalt, not orchards and grass and rivers; no lake to swim in, or endless pathways to cycle through. You don’t have to say yes, my little goose.  
Just let me dream._

_I hope you had fun in Florence despite the misadventure. The end of the year is fast approaching, isn’t it? You must be happy about that._

_I love you._

 

_Yours forever, too_

 

_Oliver_


	41. Chapter 41

May 18th, 1984

 

Dear Oliver,

 

YES!!! Yes yes yes yes!!! YES, 50 times YES!!!!!! How can you even think I wouldn’t scream YES to your idea?? Are you insane? You must be insane, amore mio. Let me tell you again: YES. Yes, I want to go to New York with you! Please, please take me with you. I don’t care that it’s hot or that you’re working. I’ll be super quiet, it will be like I’m not even there, except for when you want me to be there. I’ve never seen New York! Maybe we can play tourists, when you’re free, and go and see everything, the Statue of Liberty, Rockefeller Center, the Empire State Building, the harbor, what else??

But what am I saying. I’d be perfectly happy just staying home with you. We have so much time to catch up on, so many kisses, so much lovemaking to do. Oh, god, Oliver, please say you weren’t joking. Please. I think my heart did somersaults when I read your letter.  
I don’t care about lakes or bikes or orchards, not if I have the chance to see you again.

It’s nearly the end of May. Can I start counting down the days already??  
How will I concentrate on my finals, now? This is all your fault. I love you. I love you I love you.

I’m posting this letter already, and I will hold my breath until I get your reply.

 

Yours, forever and ever,

 

Elio


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your comments, sorry if I can’t reply to all of them (sometimes it’s because I try to avoid spoilers :) ) but just know that they are ALL super appreciated and make my day!!
> 
> I wanted to let you know that I now have a Twitter account where I’ll only post updates for this story (and other stories) - so if you want, feel free to come chat to me on there! :) 
> 
> It’s @TeahousemoonAo3 
> 
> Xx

_May 25th, 1984_

 

_  
Dearest Elio,_

 

_That’s great news. It’s beautiful to hear you so excited._

_Let me see what I can do. Promise me you will concentrate on school, meanwhile! Sorry, but I’m a teacher. I’m sure you were expecting such a comment from me..._

_Another one of my lame jokes! Ignore me. I swear I’m still ‘cool’!_

_Tell me things about you. How is it going with your friends? Is it already very warm in Italy? Oh, how I miss Italy.  
Here it’s warm, but sometimes too stuffy._

_I sound too critical of the City, don’t I? If I do, it’s really only because Italy spoiled me. It gave me crisp air, great food, beautiful views, and a gorgeous, complicated, gifted, demanding, amazing boy called Elio. Who knew I’d be so lucky._

_I have to go now. But I’m looking forward to your next letter, as always._

 

_With all my love,_

 

_Oliver_


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s the weekend, and I couldn’t resist posting another letter... sorry! :)

June 1st, 1984

 

  
Dear Oliver!

 

Yes, I’m excited! I’m so excited. Are you sure you want to do everything yourself? I can help. I can speak to a travel agent. I have some time now, school is almost over. I don’t want you to have to do everything, you’re so busy.

Please tell me when can I come over? What airport? Which days?

What will happen with Catherine? I’m sorry for asking. You don’t have to tell me, but I’d prefer it if you did.

I feel like I can’t do anything until we have this planned. I’m sorry for being pushy. I’m sorry for apologizing so many times.

My friends are busy with final tests, and here in Italy the teacher actually asks you to go over to the blackboard and stand there and answer questions about their subject - so everyone’s pretty terrified, because everyone’s scared of looking bad in front of the whole class. Which doesn’t stop them from avoiding revision and ending up looking bad, anyway! Luckily I did a ton of extra work in the past couple of months, so the teachers don’t really target me as much.

The weather is pretty hot at the moment. Not too bad, nothing that I can’t stand. But of course it would be much better if we were by the lake, instead of in an apartment building like this one.

I’m sending this letter via special delivery. Please, please respond very soon, Oliver.

 

Your

 

Elio


	44. Chapter 44

_June 6th, 1984_

 

_  
My Elio,_

_Please forgive me, my love, but I don’t yet know when I can have you over. I mentioned July, but it might very well be that I will have too much work indeed. I want us to have enough time to spend together and to do everything that we want to do._

_Don’t worry, though. I said I will organize this, and I will. You just have to be patient. Just a little longer, for me, my angel. Then I will be all yours and you will be all mine._

_What I would really want would be to see you on your birthday, especially as it’s such a milestone this year! I really wish I could. But you would be with your friends anyway, and I wouldn’t want to intrude, so this thought makes me feel better about not being able to be there for that date._

_I will speak to you very soon, my goose. Hopefully I’ll see you soon too._

 

_Infinite love to you,_

 

_Oliver_


	45. Chapter 45

June 11th, 1984

 

  
Dear Oliver,

 

I understand. Maybe this wasn’t what I was expecting to hear but I understand.

I will wait. Sure. I’m done with school, now. Life has already slowed down so much. I’m glad I can get some rest, but it can also get boring.   
I will start going out maybe every night soon. It’s the only thing you can do in this town, to beat boredom once the days start resembling each other and being exactly the same, over and over again. At least going out is fun, especially because places stay open later now that it’s summer, and there’s a lot of people around.

I hope you’re not bored. I really miss you. I’m sorry if I’m overbearing sometimes. I don’t mean to. I promise I’ll be patient.

(But you’re completely crazy if you think I wouldn’t want to see you for my birthday. Completely, utterly crazy! It sounds like a dream just thinking about it, actually. I will stop here, before I allow myself to think about this scenario any further.)

And now I have to go, I’m actually going swimming this afternoon at the pool just around the corner from where we live.   
I will mail this on my way over.

 

I love you.

 

Elio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently thinking of how to continue this story once these letters are over... come say hi on my twitter account @TeahousemoonAo3 and chat to me about what you’d like to read! :) x


	46. Chapter 46

_June 18th, 1984_

 

_  
My Elio,_

 

_My little devil. You sent me your letter, and left me with this image of you, just in your trunks, hair wet, that body I still remember every detail of as if imprinted forever in my mind. Did you do it on purpose? And did you do it just as payback for me, for not having given you news about New York yet, or to also entice more words from me about you, your beauty, and how much I miss both?_

_I guess what I’m attempting here, is to find an excuse for my waxing lyrical about you every chance I get. Is it becoming too much? I apologize if so, but I doubt I’ll be able to stop._

_Perhaps it’s the heat, perhaps it’s your absence by my side; perhaps it’s the memory of last summer, of the first night we were together. You, shaking like a leaf; me, shivering just as hard, next to you. Kissing your soft lips, our bodies molding perfectly to each other. The tremble in your breath as you whispered out my name.  
I don’t know what it is - but I so long to relive it._

_And I’m jealous. Is this what you wanted? To make me jealous? Of you, going out every night, of so many people seeing and wanting you. I am jealous of you, and I’m jealous of them. Don’t let them near you, please, baby. I feel myself going crazy just thinking about that._

_Now listen, Elio: I will tell you everything about our trip very very soon. About when we’ll meet again. If you can bear to accept another promise from me, then please, accept this one._

_We will see each other soon._

 

_With more, and more love,_

 

_Your Oliver_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone’s still reading.. :) x


	47. Chapter 47

Jun 25th, 1984

 

My Oliver,

 

Me? Trying to make you jealous? Trying to put images in your mind? Never...

I will never get tired of your words. Do you know how many times I reread your letters? Do you have any idea? I reread them so many times that I almost end up feeling like you’re here, telling me all those things in person.   
You make me feel good, you make me feel wanted and loved. I was a little mad at you after your letter last time, but you filled my head with so many compliments and thoughts about us together, that I almost forgot about it, for a minute. So I guess we both succeeded in our purposes.

I’m still mad at you, Oliver. I miss you and I want you. It’s been so long now. I know, I know you’re doing everything you can. But I want you next to me now. If you have to give me platitudes, if you have to wax lyrical about how much you want to make love to me, then I want you to whisper it in my ear. I want to feel your warm breath on my skin. I want to relive our first time, for real, not just imagine it, but feel you on me, in me, like then, when I got so lucky that a man as handsome, as interesting, as desired as you chose to meet me at midnight.

I’m going crazy, having to wait, but we waited a year already. What’s a few more days, or weeks? Even a month?

Just please let me know in your next letter. Please.

PS: I can’t believe you think I would let anyone else near me, anyone who isn’t you. But I know that distance can mess with your mind (god, do I know it), so let me say, that I’m sorry for trying to make you jealous. I would never let anyone else touch me. I only belong to you, my Oliver.

 

Forever yours,

  
Elio


	48. Chapter 48

“Hello?” 

“Hello? Professor, is that you?”

“Oliver! Yes. I was waiting for your call.”

“I know, sorry. I was so nervous. I’m worried sick that Elio’s going to find out everything.”

“Ah, well. He’s clever, I can’t blame you! And nosey, when he wants to be.”

“I don’t think he’s guessed so far, though. So, all good for the moment.”

“Excellent, excellent. Just tell me when we should be there, then.”

“So, yes, this Wednesday. I land late morning. I think my train comes in at around 2:45pm. So let’s say, 3pm at the station?”

“Done. Don’t worry, I’ll orchestrate things my end. He will be so excited once he sees you.”

“I hope so.”

“Oh, you can bet on it.”

“Thanks, Professor. See you, very soon.”


	49. Chapter 49

_June 29th, 1984_

_  
My dear, dear, dearest Elio_

_  
Words cannot begin to describe the joy, the happiness, the exhilaration of finally, finally, seeing you again._

_Words cannot describe what it felt like to see your eyes; to see you, when you saw me._

_I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy._

_Let me apologize for stringing you along while I concocted this plan of mine. I really wanted to surprise you, but it got harder and harder as the days went by, and as I thought of you getting upset with me for stalling. God, I hate to think you maybe believed I had changed my mind, I hate to think of not being the person you deserve._

_But seeing you, like that, that puzzled, adorable look on your face as your father stood next to the car, smiling, when we met outside the station - that was worth the wait. The smile on your face, the tears in your eyes, made for a picture that I don’t think I will ever, ever forget. Oh, I wish we could have taken a photo right then._

_Having you in my arms made me die, and come back to life._

_My precious, precious Elio. You were shaking. How long did we stay like that, intertwined, holding onto each other? I lost every sense of time._   
_I honestly don’t know where I found the self restraint not to kiss you right there and then. You were so good, too, my love. Even when we were back in the car, and you could hardly talk while Samuel tried to save our dignity by making conversation, as any sane, not lovesick, heart-broken and heart-mended person would.  
You held my hand, squeezed my fingers with yours so hard, and I couldn’t help it, I’m sorry, when I leaned toward you and whispered against the side of your throat that I’m here, now, Elio._

_Today, on your birthday, the day you turn eighteen; I want to tell you that I love you._

_I have told you already, the past two nights, enveloped in you in bed, with your cries and moans in my ear that are always, for me, the loveliest of melodies. With your amber eyes in mine, so focussed on looking at me when I asked you to, even through the spasms of your orgasm that made your body tremble beautifully.  
I have told you many times, but it will never be enough to make up for the time I haven’t told you, yet I felt it, deep in my lungs and in my bones._

_And I want it, said back from you. So many times, until I learn the shape of your mouth as you say it. I want to hear you say it, laughing, crying, screaming and whispering. Holding my hand while we stroll through the countryside, and through your teeth while I suck you off, your knees on my shoulders and your fingers tight in my hair.  
I want to hear you say it a thousand times, do you hear me, Elio? It’s the best thing I will ever, ever hear._

_On your eighteenth birthday, my present to you is to take you back to New York with me. I told you we’re staying here with your parents for a week; your mother would yell at me otherwise. But afterwards you’re flying back to the City with me - and I don’t know when I’ll be able to let you go. I cleared my schedule until almost the end of August. I will have eyes for you, and only you._

_Your flight is an open return, so you can decide. We could even come back to Crema for a while, if you get tired of New York. It’s my present to you, and you get to do whatever you want with it._

_I haven’t told you yet but I’m going to leave this letter on the pillow next to you, for you to find when you wake up.  
(I will be in the shower. Perhaps you’ll want to join me there? Naked, wet, panting Elio - a small present for me, too.)_

_I love you._

_More than Italy and apricot juice. More than the chirpy river, and the sun that sometimes scorches, and the cigarettes we share, and our kisses under the moonlight; and laughing with you until we can’t breathe. More than embracing under a portico in Bergamo, shadows on your face, feeling you breathe against me._

_More than my own life, because you gave it back to me._

_Happy Birthday, my Elio._

_Yours, forever,_

_Oliver_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH for following me (and Elio and Oliver) in this journey. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and to all of you who left me comments - I have LOVED reading your thoughts. You have inspired me. 
> 
> This universe will continue, soon enough, I expect. I think Elio will want to write one last letter, too.. 
> 
> And maybe he’ll write a diary. So we can find out how their time together in New York went... :) 
> 
> In the meantime: thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope you enjoyed this. 
> 
> Xxx


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised... this Elio’s letter to Oliver, after their reunion. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy. X

Aug 21st, 1984

 

  
Dear Oliver,

 

  
I’ve been wanting to write you a letter after your last letter to me, on my birthday. But I didn’t get a chance, until now. I’ve left you asleep in bed (our bed) and I’m hiding here in the kitchen. Well, not hiding... you’ll be able to find me quite easily. But we’ve been up til late, we had better things to do than sleep! So maybe you’ll sleep in a little longer today.

I’ve been here with you for 6 weeks now, and I still can’t believe it. I’m having the best time. I can’t believe I get to see you every day. I get to wake up with you and go to sleep with you. I get to kiss you every day. We get to make love every day. Not that I’m keeping tabs....who am I kidding, yes I am. And when we do it more than once - those are particularly good days.  
You’ve got me addicted to you, Oliver.

I love New York. I’ve loved sightseeing with you (you were sad that the Statue of Liberty is hidden behind all that scaffolding. I don’t care, I still got to see it! And maybe that means that when the restoration is done, we’ll have to come back and climb up to the crown...). But I’m also loving just spending time with you. Eating take out on the sofa. Watching bad tv shows. Strolling through Central Park chewing on pretzels. God I’m such a tourist! Please don’t roll your eyes at me...

As a proper tourist, I wanted to give you this letter as a souvenir from me. I thought I would list the moments I’ve loved from our adventure in New York, for you to reread and remember, when - you know. When real life comes to claim me back from this paradise with you, soon.

Moments like the day we got all those doughnuts from the shop around the corner, because we couldn’t decide how many sugar and cinnamon and salted caramel ones we wanted to get. And then we sat on the sofa, and ate them, and our lips were covered in sugar, and we kissed it off each other’s mouths for maybe two hours straight. You tasted so good; that’s now my second favorite flavor of you. (After that, you pushed me down on the cushions, and we even forgot that the tv was on. We forgot everything.)

Remember that time we fought...I can’t even remember what it was about. You had something to do for work? I wanted attention. You never want to stay mad after a fight, and so you wanted to kiss me, but I denied you; you tried to make me laugh. You kissed my shoulder. You crowded me against the wall and your breath tickled my throat - and so I relented, and gave you my mouth to kiss. How can I say no to you? I got the attention I wanted, after all.

The best - orgasm - ever!! I don’t know what you did. I mean you always do it. It always feels so good, with you. And when I think, that was the best of all... it happens again. Two nights ago for example, maybe because it was drawn out (which was also torture) and I felt like I had your fingers, your mouth, YOU, everywhere - it started in my stomach and took my whole body, it was so intense I think I was shaking for a whole five minutes afterwards. And you just laid there, next to me, watching me, looking smug and proud. I love trying new things with you.  
(Then you came on my chest, and even though I was still trembling, I grabbed your hand and licked your fingers clean. Writing this down so you don’t forget when I’m not here...)

You took me to see a show on Broadway! I can’t believe it, I was so excited. Still am. We’re going to see another concert before I go. I’m so excited that we’re going on dates.

When Catherine came to visit. I could have never guessed that one day I would say this. But she was nice, and it was good to meet one of your oldest school friends. I’m still a little jealous of her, to be honest...but we had a little chat when you went to the kitchen to get drinks, and I think you should know what she said. She said that I’m gorgeous, that she could understand why you got stars in your eyes every time you spoke about me; and that, had she even wanted to, she could have never managed to take you away, because you’re crazy about me.  
So, that’s good enough for me.

Stealing kisses in the street, at night, when there’s no one around.  
You know, at first I was scared. But you know the city so well...  
Remember when you joked in my ear that you were there to protect me?  
It’s not a joke. I feel like you protect me. I love you protecting me. I’ll swoon in your arms a hundred times if it means you will be there, holding me, and whispering that I shouldn’t be scared. But now I’ve gone off topic...  
Kisses. I love stealing kisses with you. And I loved all the times that we couldn’t stop, and in an instant we were full on making out, you pressing me against the wall. My heart was in my throat each time, but I never ever wanted it to end. It always reminds me of Bergamo.

The mornings we found ourselves awake so early that we were able to watch the sunrise. The nights we sat quietly together, watching the sunset.  
Every night that we fall sleep in each other’s arms.

Well. I wanted to list all the moments I loved, but it’s an impossible feat. There’s too many to list...too many that I will never forget. This letter would never end.  
And I’m sure there’s going to be more moments like these until I leave, worthy of being written down and remembered forever. If I could, I would catalogue every second of the life I get to share with you; every living breath, put ink to paper.

I’m leaving this letter here for you, before I go. And I’m keeping a diary, for myself, so I can take every memory with me.  
Until there stops being an ocean between us, between your body and my own flesh that longs to be with you, under you, against you every day for the rest of my life. Until then - God, I hope it’s really soon - I get to reread about our moments together every time I miss you, and hope that these words from our letters and from my own scribbled notes will allow me to breathe, at least, while I’m without you by my side.  
(You can read my diary, if you want. I will never hide anything from you. My mind is open to you, just like my body.)

I don’t want to go, Oliver. I just want you to know this. I know you know it; but I feel like there’s no limit to how many times I can say this. Starting school again sounds crazy; starting a year again, without you, sounds crazy.  
I don’t want to leave you.

I will never forget what you did for me. The day I saw you at the station was the best day of my life; my 18th birthday was the best day of my life. Every day I’ve spent with you this summer has been the best day of my life.  
I’ve thanked you every day and will continue to thank you, forever - even while you keep telling me that I shouldn’t, that there is nothing I should thank you for.  
You know that isn’t true.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for giving me these feelings that make my heart full and that make me feel like I can’t breathe every time I look at you. I never knew it would feel like this.

I know that when I leave I will cry all my tears and I will feel like I’m being split in two, but I also know that I will be carrying all of this, all of you and all of me, Elio and Oliver and Oliver and Elio, inside me, forever, and nothing and no one will change this.

I love you, Oliver. More than I will ever be able to express.

 

Don’t forget me.

 

  
Yours forever

 

Elio Pearlman


End file.
